


Depression.

by TWSD



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Depression, F/F, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Modern AU, One Shot, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:15:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26021023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TWSD/pseuds/TWSD
Summary: For Hilda Valentine Goneril, Depressed is when her phone gets taken away,  when she can't go see her friends because of work, or when she's sitting at home bored.For Marianne Von Edmund, Depressed is when she can't get out of bed in the morning, when she doesn't eat for days straight. Depressed is her every living moment.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~“Aw come on, no need to be so depressed!” Hilda tries to sing out gleefully. She wasn’t being depressed. She was always depressed. Surely she knew the difference herself. Maybe, she didn’t know Marianne was.“It’s not me, it’s just… You know.” She puffed out, her face burning in shame at trying to assemble an excuse.“I… Don’t.” Hilda paused, her vocals going from that giddy softness to a much more stern roughness, one she rarely used, not around anyone else.“Um, my depression.” Marianne spits out like she ate something rotten. To say it in words felt like she was ingesting poison. She felt sick. “In the head” Her mind reminded.
Relationships: Marianne von Edmund/Hilda Valentine Goneril
Kudos: 30





	Depression.

“And then she took my phone!” Hilda slurps on her overpriced cafe drink. “I’m just like- so depressed, you know?” She takes another loud sip, looking up into her friend's deep brown eyes. They always seemed so, so tired.

“Um- ” Marianne muttered, never good with words as usual. “I… Can see how that can be upsetting.”

“And I get so bored! It makes me all like, depressed and shit, I hate being alone with my thoughts. You know how that feels? When you just have nothing to do?” Hilda interrupts before Marianne can speak more words. She was always a talker, so Marianne was always willing to be her punching bag when she felt the need to let her mouth run on.

“Um, I- I’m sorry Hilda, I really had no idea it was so, uhm, hard for you…” She didn’t take Hilda the type to have depression, then again, depression doesn’t really have a type. “It affects all kinds of people.” Dr. Casagranda had told her in their first meeting, tomorrow would be their 103rd.

“I always tell them it makes me feel that way too! But they just  _ never _ listen. Especially my dad! And Holst always feels the need to defend them,  he’s always saying how…” Hilda rambles on, while gears in Marianne’s mind turn. How awful that must be, at least her adoptive father made sure she was on meds, despite how long it took him to notice just how much had been wrong.

Stop being so lazy, he’d say when it pinned her down onto her bed in the morning.

Why are you so tired, he’d say when she didn’t have the energy to walk.

Why aren’t you hungry? He’d ask when she couldn’t do anything more than poke at her meals with silverware.

The pills helped with those things. The other things not so much, and she dare not admit that lest they switch her to those pills that made her gain weight, then she’d just have to make more marks on her stomach again.

  
  


“Earth to Marianne!” Hilda gets her face all up in the other girl’s face, sending enough shock through her to launch her back a few feet. “S- Sorry Hilda, you scared me…” She admitted, scooting closer to her friend again. “Um… What were you saying?”

“I said I could help you hide those bags under your eyes~” She smiles all the while whipping out a stick of concealer. It was far too dark for her pale skin, and once Hilda realized that she tucked it back into her purse. “I guess we’ll just have to go shopping!” She squeals in glee, taking one of Marianne’s hands. Her hands were rough, she noticed, despite how frail and dainty the pinkette seemed. She wasn’t much of a hard worker around others, had Marianne caused that? With all the work she had to do for her? “It’s your fault.” Her head began to pound.

“Um… I don’t feel like going out, really. I’m sorry. Just go without me…” Marianne mumbles while letting gravity pull her arms and body down.

“Aw come on, no need to be so depressed!” Hilda tries to sing out gleefully. She wasn’t  _ being _ depressed. She was  _ always _ depressed. Surely she knew the difference herself. Maybe, she didn’t know Marianne  _ was _ .

“It’s not me, it’s just… You know.” She puffed out, her face burning in shame at trying to assemble an excuse.

“I… Don’t.” Hilda paused, her vocals going from that giddy softness to a much more stern roughness, one she rarely used, not around anyone else.

“Um, my depression.” Marianne spits out like she ate something rotten. To say it in words felt like she was ingesting poison. She felt sick. “In the head” Her mind reminded.

“Well, If we go shopping, I’m sure you’ll feel better! I’ll buy you some make up finally, won’t that be fun?” Hilda chirped, all sing song. Marianne giggled, kind of like a bird! “See! You’re feeling better already!” She laughed alongside her.

But Marianne stopped, because despite the laughter, despite the good times, despite spending the hours with her best friend… She never felt any better. Never did. Never have, and it didn’t seem like it was gonna happen right now.

“Um, it never gets better…” She grinds her teeth, feeling idiotic for repeating things Hilda must have known, and probably worse than her.

“Don’t say that, if you’re sad all the time of course you’ll be sad. Just try and be happy, that’s what I always do.” She flashes a grin to Marianne. Oh Hilda. “You’re so strong.” She admits to her. Not like Marianne. “You’re weaker than weak.” Her head pounded again.

“Strong?” She tilted her head.

“Very.” Marianne sucked in air. “Despite all the pain you must be going through, you still always smile, and sleep well, and laugh… I can’t do those things. I always look how I feel.”

Hilda’s brows raised in concern. “I’m… Not sure why you think I’m in pain.” Was it concern or confusion?

“Because of your depression. You don’t even have a doctor, or take any pills.” She says again. The venomous word sliding out of her mouth and hitting like a bullet.

“Oh. Well, it’s not like that… I’ve never been diagnosed with anything like that. Um… Marianne… Are  _ you _ in pain?” Her eyes jump wide open. Shocked.

“Always.” Her hands fold together, like saying a prayer. The ones where she wished to go to the goddess. The one she was solemnly pleaing at the very moment.

She felt as Hilda’s legs met the mattress, and grabbed one of Marianne’s hands, pulling her from her words. “So you like… Take meds and shit like that? Like see a therapist and stuff? Shouldn’t you not be feeling that way if you are?” Hilda asked a million questions at once, a little too personal, really. Did Hilda not know? Was she doomed and cursed to suffer alone?

“Um, it’s not that simple… It all helps, but-” Marianne’s eyes snap shut, trying to hold back tears. Not in front of Hilda, please.

“Shhh.” She holds Marianne close now. “I’m sorry about what I said… Pretty insensitive of me, huh?” Hilda almost giggled, but stopped for whatever reason. She could really stand to hear that laugh right now. It’s beautiful echoes always warmed her heart.

“No.”

“Marianne… I didn’t know, really.” Hilda says as if she was supposed to. Despite the fact it was written on her face, and her tangled hair, and her tired eyes, and her sickly skinny body, and her wrists and thighs and stomach and chest and-  _ her neck. _ “I’m sorry for not noticing.”

“That’s a good thing.” Marianne shuffles in Hilda’s hold. It was… Comfortable, despite how much she hurt now. “Don’t burden your shoulders with my problems. They are mine to bear alone.”

“Marianne, don’t say that. I’m your friend! I’m  _ always _ going to be here for you.” She held her tighter, into a hug. “Always.”

“But-”

“ _ No _ buts, miss Marianne.” Hilda gives her a quick peck on the cheek. “I’m here to help.”

But she never could, no one ever would, and it was never so simple. She prayed that it could, that Hilda can just swoop in like a fairytale hero and save her from this misery. Stop the pain, stop the pain, stop the pain, stop the pain…

“Shhh, Marianne, don’t cry.” Hilda tried to keep her steady while the girl started sobbing. She was tired. So so tired. Tired of being so exhausted, tired of being so unappealing, tired of having to look at herself, tired of being so tiring, tired of living, tired of being depressed.

All she ever was, was depressed.


End file.
